the tan's of lisa

In Memory of her

Lately, there's been much mention of my late maternal-grandmother.

Apparently one of the uncles dreamt of her.
And in the dream, she was crying.

So they believe they should move her remains to another temple.
It is one of the Chinese pantang-larang.

Of course I know that she's dead & cannot return.
All that remains are ashes & bones...
And memories of her.

Her name was Goh Lay Cheng.
And she died 15years ago.

It was a sudden death, one minute she's talking.
The next thing you know, she's dead. A vein burst.

I was in standard 1 and we had to go to Melacca for the funeral.
I had asked my father to write an absent letter to my class teacher.

At 7, I barely understood death.
But I remember feeling very very sad when I read the letter.

Maybe I didn't want her to die?
Maybe I didn't want to skip school?
Who knows? I was 7.

I never knew her personally.
It's funny how I have her blood in me but I only have vague memories of her.

She used to take a bus down to KL to visit.
My dad would fetch her from the bus station & we would vacate the front seat for her.

She was pudgy and was always in a Kebaya. I remember she had a green one.
She had short curls & small eyes. Was gentle & soft spoken.

And one day she gave me a gold heart-shaped pendant & necklace.
I don't think she said anything to me, she just gave it to me.
I still have it.

I wish it wasn't, but that's all I can remember of my late Ah Mah.
I wonder so many things.

I wonder what it was like to be so poor, like she was.
I wonder what it was like to raise 9 children!
I wonder if she could remember all their birthdays?
I wonder if she had any time for herself.

I wonder how she felt when one of her sons died from fever.
I wonder if she was proud of her children.
I wonder how she met my grandfather.
And if she really loved him?

I wonder if she had any dreams or secret wishes.
I wonder if she was happy.
Did she live a fulfilled life?
I wonder if she's in heaven...





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posted by lisathetan @ 8:50 AM